Welcome, one and all. It's your trusty managing editor, Jeff Ruoss here reporting from the Royal Rumble. Well, not really. Instead of being in Atlanta, Georgia, I'm sitting on my couch in Manayunk, Pennsylvania. I've got my blog, bros (friends), and bourbon, and I'm ready to take notes. Expect updates at the end of every match and we'll hopefully keep you entertained.
So sit back, get comfortable, and enjoy!
Christian (C) vs. Ezekiel Jackson
8:09 - Everyone shows up. Well, Shawn, Karen, Brittany, and Gardner come. Gardner brought his bear hug shirt, infinitely more interesting than this match has been so far.
8:11 - William Regal is kicked out of the match. Who even knew he was involved?
8:13 - Shawn is pretty sure Christian is going to come back in the end. If WWE wants Christian to be recognized as a solid champion, they won't let him lose this way. Even Karen feels bad for him, and she's not even sure why she's here.
8:15 - Someone is really trying to build up Ezekiel Jackson. That's the only reason I can think why this match has gone this long.
8:18 - Christian wins. He had no right to do so based upon how badly he was beaten. Britt isn't sure why the smaller, less athletic person came out on top. No one in the crowd is either.
Had a lot to post about The Miz vs. MVP but even my computer wasn't sure how to handle it. Thus I got the blue screen of death. The Miz wins, pretty sure this PPV has been rather odd so far.
Sheamus (C) vs. Randy Orton
8:47 - It's pointed out that the WWE championship has never changed hands in Atlanta. Please begin to place bets that the WWE championship will now change hands in Atlanta.
8:49 - People are cheering Orton. Has he become a compassionate figure. Why does this seem wrong on a lot of levels?
8:52 - Sheamus looks relatively strong in this match. Guess old Vince is trying to make sure the big, white monster is as believably tough as everyone thinks he should be.
8:55 - Shawn points out that the WWE championship match has been placed before a women's match. Either there is going to be a killer twist to the Rumble or someone made the big guy angry backstage.
9:00 - So Sheamus keeps the title thanks to a Cody Rhodes' interference. Thanks, WWE, for making sure your main champion is presented in a strong way. Gardner isn't sure how Cody didn't know he was doing something wrong. Or why Randy is so upset.
9:02 - Well, this is the beginning of the downfall of Legacy. Orton has dropped everyone. And now Sheamus gets to be a strong figure by boot-smashing Orton. Yet the crowd still boos him. Maybe it's because he's so pale; they just don't know how to cheer for someone with a lack of pigmentation.
WWE Women's championship
Michelle McCool (C) vs. Mickie James
9:14- Layla and Michelle McCool are surprised when Mickie James' music came on. Were they not aware she was in the match?
9:15- Mickie James wins in under 20 seconds. It actually took me longer to write this sentence. No idea where Creative wanted to go with this one, and something tells me they didn't know either.
WWE World championship
The Undertaker (C) vs. Rey Mysterio Jr.
9:24 - The Undertaker still has the most impressive entrance of anyone in wrestling. Take that, Hulk.
9:28 - Rey can still fly. Unfortunately for him, it's not due to his own will. Wow, 'Taker.
9:30 - Matt Stryker is pretty adamant that old Rey is going to take this one. The little man is going to need to actually connect on some offensive move first; guess Stryker and I are reading from a different script.
9:32 - If there is one thing we've learned from this match, it's that Stryker can't tell the difference between his left and right.
9:33 - 'Taker's nose is busted open. "If it bleeds, we can kill it," Arnold Shwarzenegger, Predator.
9:35 - This is a pretty one-sided match. Even Lawler and Cole have called it that way. Is it possible to say that a guy whose been in the big leagues for more than 15 years is getting a bad rub? If it is, Mysterio is getting one of those rubs.
9:38 - Rey gives a hell of a final push to make it a great fight. Not Match of the Year, but still a good one. No way Rey was walking out of Atlanta with the belt, could tell that from the get-go.
9:49 - Dolph Ziggler draws number one. I'm going out on a limb here and saying his losing streak continues. Ever notice how his losing streak hasn't gotten as much attention as MVP's did? Go figure.
9:50 - Evan Bourne draws number two. Let's start the countdown to see who number three will be. Obviously, this time can't count come soon enough.
9:52 - Punk draws number three and quickly eliminates Ziggler and Bourne. Joy, now we get to hear a solid minute and a half of his "straight-edge" nonsense. Who will be the one to step in and stop this?
9:53 - The answer is JTG. But now he's gone, too. Well, this is going well for everyone.
9:55 - Here's The Great Khali. This is odd. But only so because Beth Phoenix has come in and eliminated him.
9:58 - And Punk eliminates yet another. That's five by the official count. Well, if you include Beth Phoenix. Say what you will, but he is damn good as an obnoxious heel.
9:59 - Here comes Triple-H. Something tells me Punk won't be eliminating him as fast as he has everyone else. But I've been known to be wrong before.
10:02 - After all that buildup, a quick departure for Punk. Nice reversal from HHH.
10:07 - If I had a dollar every time they mentioned that Kane has eliminated 11 participants in one Rumble, I'd have at least have been able to afford this pay-per-view.
10:11 - Carlito is in at number 15; I thought he was future endeavored. Well, that's neither here nor there, but he's putting up a rather impressive showing. Okay, spoke too soon. The Miz has dropped Carlito like a bad habit. And still no sign of HBK or Cena. Interesting. Very interesting.
10:14 - Hello, Matt Hardy.
10:14 2/3 - Goodbye, Matt Hardy.
10:15 - And "The Game" is awoken!
10:16 - In less than 30 seconds, HBK has eliminated three men. Make that four. And that includes my pick, Ted DiBiase Jr.
10:18 - Remember when finishing moves actually meant a finish? Well. Cena isn't staying down from a Pedigree, but Triple-H isn't getting back in the ring after some "Sweet Chin Music."
10:29 - Best name of a move in wrestling, hands down, "Skinning The Cat." Amazing. Find me the man who came up with that name and I will shake his hand.
10:32 - Welcome back Edge.
10:33 - So your final four are Edge, HBK, Cena, and Batista. My pick goes to Edge, mainly because he has the best beard. Gardner thinks Brett Michaels is going to win. Poison fans worldwide stand in unison and cheer with him.
10:35 - Is it just me or does it take Shawn a really long time now to tune up the band?
10:37 - So Shawn gets knocked out and superkicks two refs. Pretty sure the look on his face says it all. None of this translates well onto the blog world, however.
10:40 - Edge wins. Fans cheer. Does this mean I should cheer for Edge now? Shawn is upset that he can't grow a beard like that. I'm just happy R-Truth didn't somehow stumble into a victory. The world remains a much more realistic place.
So here's my prediction for Edge: 'Taker loses to Jericho and we see an Edge-Jericho main event. Take it for what it's worth, I broke a shoe lace today.